Monday, February 28, 2011

The Best Bread

I like to make bread, and I like to eat bread, but I have always thought of bread as something you have to plan for, something that takes a looong time. That is until my neighbor, Charlotte, shared this yummy recipe with me. This bread is so fast and so tasty.

When I made it Bryce said "This bread is really good, where did you get it?" because I made it faster than I could go to the store, or make my other bread recipe. It also makes yummy hamburger buns.

Ingredients:
1.5 Cups warm water divided
1.5 Tablespoons active dry yeast
3 teaspoons honey, divided
3.25 Cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons salt
Melted butter for brushing on the loavesFirst combine 1/2 cup of the warm water and 1 teaspoon of the honey with the yeast. Let it sit for 5 minutes to get all bubbly.
Then add all the other ingredients, except for your water.
Slowly add your water (up to the remaining 1 Cup)
Until your dough is smooth, and stretchy and not terribly sticky. (You can do this last part by hand of you are not lazy like me.)
Shape your dough into two long cylinders.
Use a sharp knife to cute a ridge along the top.
Cover it with a wet towel and let it sit for 20-30 minutes, or until your dough has doubled in size. (Meanwhile you can make the rest of your dinner.)
Uncover the dough and put it in an oven preheated to 450 degrees. Put a pan of water in the bottom of the oven to make it humid.
Then cook your bread. The recipe says 15 minutes, but mine only took 10. You know it's done when you tap the top of it with a knife and it gives off a hollow sound.
Slice it and eat it, hooray!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

YAY!

You guys, I am so happy! My sister Haley just got accepted to BYU!!! Squee!

Friday, February 18, 2011

That's a Good DealIf you like milk.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Toothy

So you're eating.Blissfully, crunchily, when a thought drifts through your mind. A thought that shatters everything: Is there something in my teeth?
There's no where to check for yourself. Your tongue searches desperately for anything foreign, but you just can't be sure. You can't move on, you can't ignore it. So you find a trusted friend to ask:
Your dear friend says, "Let me see". Which is really the only sensible thing to say at a moment like this, but before you can let him see, you are seized by horror.
Really, you are committed. You already asked and the only way he can answer is if you show him your teeth, but for a moment you clamp your mouth tight. Let's face it, teeth are kind of disturbing in the best of times. Weirdly shaped, sharp, exposed bones in your face, surrounded by some strange flesh/cartilage hybrid.
And at this moment you are already suspicious that it is not even the best of times. The very reason you are having to bare your food crushing devices to someone else is horrifying.
And this is your dear friend, maybe you love them. Maybe you looove love them! Do you really want them to see you like this? Sure they will still care for you, but now perhaps they will have to love you in spite of the fact that your mouth is a mesh of filth. Can you live with that?

No matter. You are committed and they are waiting. So you steel yourself and reveal your potential shame:
Probably it goes ok though. So it doesn't hurt to double check.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Doodles

I like to doodle, and I noticed that my doodles lately have had a common theme, so I am calling them a series and giving it a name: "Delicious Things in Peril"



When I'm famous these can become post cards or something.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Hoarders

There's a show called "Hoarders" about people who hoard stuff, like a lot of stuff, like they can't walk through their house because they have so much stuff, like there are vermin living beneath the perma-layer of stuff. I never knew such a thing existed. I want everyone to watch "Hoarders" because it is mind-explodingly shocking. After seeing that show I am forever changed. I can never look at my house the same way. Everything has the potential to turn my house into a hoarder-house.

I think everyone has a little hoarder inside of them. The little hoarder has two weapons, laziness and fear, the fear that you will throw something away and then you will miss it or need it later. The little hoarder is the one who can't throw away an old movie ticket stub, or is too lazy to get rid of a broken iron. No more. After watching this show the hoarder fear was consumed by a new fear, the fear of becoming a hoarder.
So with my new-found courage I became the anti-hoarder. I have been moving through our house getting rid of random superfluous stuff.
It was fantastic, this rush of pure victory as I slew the little hoarder over and over again. I threw stuff away and I did not regret it!

poo.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Mormons Don't Drink Any Tea

No, we don't. Not green tea or black tea or any tea. This is because of something we call "The Word of Wisdom". You might be thinking, "I'm Mormon and I drink herbal tea!" but you need to stop thinking that because herbal tea is generally a misnomer. The thing you are thinking of when you say "herbal tea" (orange, mint, or berry flavored water) has no tea in it. There is no such thing as non-caffeinated tea, so just stop saying that ok? The thing you are thinking of is called a tisane, and Mormon people can drink those.

I pretend to be a fan of mint and blueberry tisanes for one important reason: Sugar. This is how I prepare my tisane:

Yes my friends, in my ceramic cup I have a bit of water disguising a gooey sugar sludge. By preparing it in an opaque cup you can drink semi-solid sugar and nobody knows! People seem to have this notion that tisanes and herbal teas are very beneficial to your health, so as you desperately suck down the last of the sugar sludge they actually think you are just really excited about health!

It's secret candy you guys! So go, drink sugar! Just make sure you call it the right name.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Raise Awareness

In the past weeks I have attended a couple of Zumba classes. Zumba is like aerobics, except with a lot more bum-shaking and shoulder-shimmying. Many people are fans of Zumba because they think it is a lot more fun than aerobics. (I hate aerobics so bad that I have to eat a cookie whenever I think about it, so Zumba actually probably is more fun than aerobics, however it is not nearly as fun as playing Mario Kart.) I am not a Zumba lover, or even a Zumba liker. In Zumba you are supposed to copy everything an instructor is doing. They would also prefer it if you smiled A LOT while doing this. I am pretty much unable to smile while trying to use all my brain power to copy a lot of random foot and arm motions.

Minutes into my first class I began to realize that I was just not able to keep up with my peers.
I am also clinically unable to shimmy. Here is an x-ray of my body, and a map of my brain:
As you can see the part of my brain which controls my hips is scrambled with the part that controls the shoulders. When I try to shimmy I am only able to jerkily move my hips, or shrug my shoulders. Any attempts at bum-shaking produce similarly awkward confusion. I refer to this a Musculoskeletal Dyslexia, but apparently the accepted medical term is "Uncoordinated".

I will probably still go to Zumba because I really like eating cookies and sitting on the couch. Just don't expect me to smile about it.

Monday, February 07, 2011

I made a poster to taunt someone. It said:

Mr. Willis,

I can only attempt to imagine the overwhelming feeling of foolishness which you are probably now experiencing. Despite all of your scoffs and taunts before the game, Jimmer Fredette has bested you again! I would like to call attention specifically to your statement, “He don't want to get no assists” (Youmans). Please note that Jimmer actually had more assists than any other player in the game today. It is ironic that your ignorance actually made your statement correct; as the double negative changes the meaning to be the opposite of what you intended it to be. I am laughing at your expense, you scoundrel!

1. Youmans, Matt. "Defensive Willis eyes revenge." LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL (2011): Web. 7 Feb 2011.

Sure, English majors find it annoying to see bad grammar or misspellings on posters at sporting events, but truthfully, there are drawbacks to doing things our way too.