Friday, March 11, 2011

Vampires Are the Worst, Seriously, They Are.

Today I was thinking about the book Dracula, and it reminded me of something I have known for a long time. Vampires are the most awful of things. (Note, I don't really know anything about Twilight type vampires, I suspect they are much less terrifying than Brahm Stoker type vampires because teenage girls don't seem to pee their pants in terror at the thought of Twilight, and I know I am braver than at least some of the teenage girls, so this post only counts for non-twilight vampires.)

I have been afraid of vampires since I was little. I remember my mom let me put a clove of garlic under my bed so I could sleep because vampires don't like garlic. The problem is that vampires are cheaters. You think, "I'll lock my door" and the vampires are like "haha, we can turn into misty stuff and sneak under the door!!!". But vampires can't come into your house unless you invite them, so you're probably pretty safe right? Wrong, sometimes they look like normal people and if you EVER invite them in, then they count the invite as good for forever, even if you get a restraining order. So what are you going to do? Never invite anyone in?
Then the extra cheap-shot: they can transform into animals. You would think you could trust a bunny, but you never know, it could be a transformed vampire. And if you let the bunny into your house you are doomed. So what can you do? Never have any pets ever?
Then they totally cheat with their weaknesses. They don't like garlic or crucifixes, but those things aren't going to kill them or anything. That's like saying my vulnerability is lima beans. There is a rumor that only a wooden stake through the heart can kill them, but I'm pretty sure vampires just spread that rumor to be jerks. I mean, let's just think about the logic behind that theory:
They don't have anymore blood right? And without blood their heart is what? It's a little lump of nothing. So you stick a wooden stake into a little lump of nothing and get what? A vampire laughing in your face, that's what. Also, let's be honest, vampires still have a sternum. Sternums are strong, you and your pansy human muscles are not about to plunge any sticks through that.

The worst part though, is your fate. Let's imagine a horrible lobster sludge beast comes to attack you. Worst case scenario: you die, but then you are a happy angel and you never have to eat lima beans anymore. Hey, that's not so bad!
But if a vampire eats you then you can forget about the harp and wings. You are doomed to be a gross undead vampire forever and all you can ever eat is blood, which is likely worse than lima beans.
See? Vampires are the ultimate cheapos and we should all hate them. By the way, I never finished Dracula because I was too afraid of it. Now you know my shame, but at least you can understand it.


Rain Coyote said...

The stake is only just a part of the killing process (according to Stoker); for a vampire to be truly dead, you must chop of their head and then stuff their mouth full of garlic. (Also, Dracula ends up being stabbed through the heart with a bowie knife and not a stake, which solves the problem just as well.)

Vampire deaths aside, this blog made me chuckle and chortle. Especially the part about dying and never having to eat lima beans again. You are such a clever writer.

For more fun with vampires, see me being a complete doofus here:

McRachie said...

Thanks Court :) I'll check out your movie!

I'm pleased to hear that the bowie knife can also be used, because that is definitely a lot sharper than a dumb wooden stake!

Steffy said...

That's how I feel about Zombies.

Haley! said...

:)))))))))) This is sooo funny!!!!!! :D hhahhaa I love these comics!!!!

Sonya said...

I still have your copy of Dracula somewhere! I kept it under a blanket on a chair at night... It was creepy. At least their Vamp concept (animated corpse swollen with blood) makes more sense than the Twilight ridiculousness.