Thursday, June 30, 2011

Punctuation Does Not Cost Extra

Handsome Bryce and I don't need another car, but reading the car classifieds on is some kind of addiction we suffer from. Why do we suffer? We suffer because of the horribleness of car descriptions.

First is the stealth stupidity. Everything looks okay at first glance. They might finish incomplete sentences with periods, but at least they seem to understand how to use the Shift key and have let Spell-Check smooth out some bumps.But then you realize they are probably totally insane or liars due to incongruities in their description. Let's just think about this, your car overheated to the point that it ruined your radiator, but the engine is in excellent condition? In case you don't know, this is what happens when a car overheats. Which part of that engine is excellent? Do you know what "excellent condition" implies? You make me sad.

Next is the person who fancies himself as E.E. Cummings, or he would if he knew who that was. They have a general disregard for the conventions of capitalization and punctuation.
These advertisers usually come off as abrasive, lazy, and uneducated. They will usually tell you vaguely about the "rebilt tittle" or try to get you to buy the car based on what they still owe on their loan rather than what the car is worth. You might actually be friends with this person, but your relationship is doomed because you will constantly have misunderstandings over their incomprehensible text messages and Facebook updates, also they will never pay you back that $5 you lent them.

Last is the person who is for sure crazy, too crazy to even try to hide it.
This person will manifest all kinds of literary tics: abuse of ellipses, inventing their own kind of ellipses, random or senseless capitalization, etc. This person pukes type all over a page and then decorates it with random punctuation. Usually they also want your "SPECIAL SECURITY NUMBER".

I don't know why we read these ads. Maybe we like having our faith in humanity ground down to a fine powder. Maybe we are secretly getting some kind of adrenaline high off of the head-exploding logic of these people. Maybe I just like to laugh for 3 minutes about the words "BUMBER had small SCRATCH"!


Haley! said...

Abuse <-- Of English!! :) hahhahaha

Brian said...

Oh my smack, I secretly judge people for their grammar (or obvious lack thereof) in their classified ads too! Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?!

McRachie said...

I think my judging of people based on their grammar is not that secret because:

#1 I sometimes reply to their ads making fun of them.

#2 I tell the internet about it.