Monday, July 18, 2011

How to Survive Through an X-File

Through the magic of Netflix, Bryce and I have been re-watching all the old X-Files episodes. Thirty percent of these episodes scare me terribly and make me vow to never watch anymore X-Files ever, but then I just keep watching them anyway.

I have noticed a pattern that causes the undoing of pretty much everyone on the show. Here, I have written up a short guide to staying alive and probably un-maimed, if any of you should ever find yourself in one of these episodes.

#1 No Making Out
Seriously, don't do it. Anyone who gets the least bit smoochy in an X-Files episode is doomed. Either your co-maker-outer will transform into something horrible and kill you, you will kill him/her, or a beastly beast will come and kill you both. Just show some self-control for 45 minutes until the episode is over.#2 Never Insult Scully
Scully is really nice and smart, despite her questionable taste in man-sized suits. She will never take revenge on you for insulting her, but you will end up dead within the hour. No one knows how it will happen, but somehow you are going to come to a horribly gory end. Scully will make a little frown when she hears about it.

Exception to the rule: If your name is "Skinner" you actually can be rude to Scully, as long as you redeem yourself later.
#3 Don't Doubt, Run Away
When Mulder suggests some kind of heinous monster is causing trouble don't waste time being a skeptic, just run away. If Mulder says he needs your help to catch the monster run away extra fast. Mulder is not good at keeping people safe.
#4 Girls With Scully, Boys Are Doomed
In every episode Mulder and Scully decide to split up. This always ends badly. If they are supposed to be keeping you safe weigh your options carefully. If you are female you should always insist on going with Scully. She pretty much never fires her gun, but you will probably be ok. As I said, Mulder is not good at keeping people safe.

If you are male I have bad news for you. If you go with Scully you will get killed. If you go with Mulder you will get killed. You might as well just stay where you are and take a nap, you will still get killed, but at least you will get a nap.
#5 Trust No Phone
Mulder's motto is "Trust no one" but the things he should really not trust are those honking-huge cell phones he and Scully lug around. When they inevitably split up they also inevitably try to reach each other via cell phone, and it never ever works. Also, they don't even come with "Angry Birds," lame.
Good luck friends.


Karen said...

Love the post! As always!

mama bear said...

hahahahaha! i LOVE x-files. and i think moulder is hott. yum.

McRachie said...

Really? I think he has a gnome nose, also he always sounds bored and depressed...Mulder= Original emo?