Friday, August 12, 2011

Lies, Shiny Shiny Lies

Pretty much everything I know about pop culture and current fashion is gleaned by looking at the covers of magazines while I scan my groceries. Recently I realized something distressing though:

The magazines are big fat liars. The most abundant type of magazine is the super glossy fashion-type magazine. They usually have a story about a famous person pictured on the cover. They also always put that person's name on there so you can recognize them after they were alienified in Photoshop.

Here's the thing, these magazines always pretend to give ladies a bunch of advice to make them attractive, but guys, most of the things they tell you are total lies.

Most guys do not think making your voice deep and husky is sexy, and they don't really like giant thick eyebrows shaped at unnatural angles, they also do not really think that protruding bones and 40 pounds of makeup look really great.

If you do these things you will get a lot of compliments from other ladies who read similar shiny magazines, but they will not make you more attractive to men. It's a scam!

The second kind of magazine is the fitness magazine. Look for them my friends, they will always always have a picture of delicious snacks on them. I am thinking this is a marketing trick where they said:

"What kind of people will buy our magazine?"
"I know! People who like snacking on too many delicious things!"
"Ok, how do we make this kind of person look at our magazines?"
"Pictures of delicious things?"
"Yes."

These magazines always promise that you can eat all the cookies and cakes and candy, and still lose 40 pounds by the next holiday. (Maybe they are going to instruct you to scrape off all of your fashion magazine makeup???)

This is a trick. You can eat all these treats and lose weight, but they are either tasteless fake desserts or real desserts that are too small for Barbie. They are also going to tell you to do something unpleasant like drink beet water or exercise, none of which is implied by the shiny picture of deliciousness on the cover.

Jerks.

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