Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Abandoned at Wal Mart

Our town recently got a shiny new Super Wal Mart, a much bigger, newer version of the dank dystopia that was our old Un-super Wal Mart. One thing you can always count on though, people abandoning random groceries in the check-out line. I think we have all been there. You are standing in the check-out line and you remember that you don't have unlimited money, metabolism, or space, and you can't buy everything. Decisions must be made. Here's how I imagine some of those decisions going down:

Mom: "Where did these frogs come from?"
Kid: "IWANNIT!"
Mom: "No. Also are you done looking at that book? Because we aren't buying that either."
I've been there. I figure letting my kid peruse a book I have no intention of buying is how the store purchases some peace for the general customer population. (Plus payback for strategically putting all the gum and candy where kids can grab it and I can't stop them.)

"Oh look, they make chips out of potatoes and corn." Hubert mused aloud.
"Interesting," Edna answered absently, still nervous about the tea-tree mask. Bertha said this is how all her wrinkles disappeared, while she was out sick, but Edna wasn't sure it was worth having her eye-brows frozen in place forever.
"I SAID NO TOYS" bellowed a mom one aisle over.








A curious man, Hubert decided to sample a Flamin' Hot Cheeto before committing to giving up the pea-crisps. "Edna!" he gasped. Tears filled his eyes, tears brought on by more than cayenne pepper and citric acid. He earnestly held out the bag to her.
"It's--" She searched the air for words.
"Amazing." They breathed in unison.
"I think it's time we stopped living vicariously and started, really living, don't you?" Edna smiled, dropping the mask. Hubert chucked "The Sims" grinning and taking his wife's arm.
"WE AREN'T GETTING THIS DUCK EITHER!" someone shrieked in the background.








Bernice watched as the couple reverently payed and strolled out of the store, the bag of Cheetos between them. She re-adjusted her date-night sweater-set. Maybe it's time for Herb to see the real me.
"Paper or plastic?" The cashier interrupted her reverie. Bernice took just one more moment to steel herself, and then made the switch.
"No bag thanks. I can carry the jerky." And for the first time, in a long time, she felt the rush of first-date-butterflies in her stomach.
"I SAID NOT TO TOUCH THE CANDY!"


Thursday, December 01, 2016

Family Picture Rejects

Some time in college I realized that I was skilled enough at Photoshop that there is no reason for an unflattering picture of me to ever exist. I am a big fan of having family pictures but not a big fan of posing for family pictures. It's painful. I just want one blasted picture with everyone in the family looking as skinny and happy as possible, also PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN AND LOOK AT THE CAMERA RUFFIANS!

Is that so much to ask? Yes. It. Is. The only way I get the picture I want is through Photoshop witchery, including but not limited to:

Head-transplants
Lighting adjustments
Color adjustments
Body swapping
Just straight-up painting on people's facial features from scratch


However, over time, and after many perfect family picture prints, I have realized that I am depriving the world of how things really are during our family pictures.

Behold, the family picture rejects:

McBoy
McGirly
McBaby
He's a baby, so even the rejected pictures are actually pretty cute.

Handsome Bryce
He is pretty much always looking dashing in all the pictures, even when he isn't ready.
But even Bryce has to blink sometime:
Me
In pretty much every picture I am talking through my teeth, telling everyone to SMILE OR ELSE.
Bonus! The picture of the whole family that shows how we all really feel about me forcing us to stand out in the cold at the-crack-of-dawn o'clock.

Not pictured: My super kind and patient sister who also stood out in the cold early in the morning while I barked orders at her. I love you and I love the pictures you took, even these ones!